Why I Stopped Pushing My Son to Do Homework—and What I Learned Instead
Happy Motivated Child Doing Homework
‘Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have’ - Joan Ryan
As parents, we all carry expectations for our children—some spoken, some silent. Even when these expectations seem small, the disappointment can be immense when our kids don’t meet them.
And if you’re parenting more than one child, you may notice, like I did, that the firstborn often carries the heaviest weight of those expectations.
I speak from experience—not only as a mum of three, but also being the eldest of five.
The Pressure of Perfection
Growing up, one of the biggest expectations placed on me was to get good grades. My dad was a teacher during my Primary years (ages 4–11), and he didn’t take my education lightly. Even when I came home without assigned homework, he’d have workbooks ready. Meanwhile, my cousin watched cartoons as I worked through spelling, math sheets and reading.
At the time, I hated it. But now? I see the seeds he was trying to plant. I understand it better because I grew to have a genuine love for learning and reading.
Repeating the Cycle
So naturally, when I became a parent, I passed on the same mindset to my own children. My son didn’t get much homework during Primary school, so I created our own system at home—flashcards, reading time, workbooks. At first, it felt productive.
But as he transitioned into Secondary school, the resistance kicked in.
Homework started to feel like a last-minute chore—rushed, careless, and done just before the deadline. Then came the ‘forgetfulness’, due to having late nights on the phone, and eventually the messages from school: detentions for incomplete work.
And just like that, it became a pattern.
The Burnout of Constant Reminders
With each missed piece of homework, my frustration deepened. After working all day, I’d come home to play the role of the nagging teacher.
I’d constantly ask myself, Why can’t he just get it?
Why doesn’t he care about the consequences?
Doesn’t he see I’m trying to help him succeed?
Eventually, I hit a wall—mentally and emotionally. The stress was too much. My frustration wasn’t helping him; it was only hurting me.
The Shift in Perspective
That’s when I paused.
And in that stillness, I saw it clearly: I was repeating the cycle my dad once enforced on me. Except my son wasn't me. And this wasn’t the same world I grew up in.
Let’s be real—what teenager loves homework?
What I was really battling wasn’t his capability, but his motivation.
And then it clicked. It was like a lightbulb moment recognising that I don’t always do things I dislike either. I procrastinate. I lose focus. So why was I expecting any different from a teenager still figuring himself out?
Motivation Over Expectation
That moment changed everything.
I stripped away the pressure and shifted my focus to motivation. Instead of constant reminders, I introduced reward systems—going out with friends, social events—but I also made space for honest conversations about his goals and the natural consequences of his choices.
And one of the hardest but most powerful things I did - I let him fail.
The school had its own consequences, and it was up to him whether or not he wanted to face them. It wasn’t my job to police every mistake.
A New Kind of Support
Since then, I’ve learned something that’s become the foundation of my parenting: everyone has a different capacity for learning, for pressure, for stress. We all have a threshold—and that’s okay.
The message I now teach my kids is Your best is your best. You are loved regardless. Just do what you can.
‘By loving them for more than their abilities we show our children that they are much more than the sum of their accomplishments - Eileen Kennedy-Moore
Peace & Blessings,