‘I Love You, But I Don’t Like You’ - Raising A Teenager
For many parents they can say that imagining the teenage years and actually going through them are two completely different things. It’s almost a shock to your system when you get to the stage where you have a teenager.
I have met a lot of parents who as their child grows, would say parenting doesn’t become easier, just more challenging.
And if you thought the terrible two’s were bad, imagine going through that with a fully grown child.
Raising a teenager can easily feel like a personal attack. No matter what you do, nothing is good enough, and just when you think you have landed on the same page as them, within 24hrs you’re back to that stupid disagreement or find yourself arguing your point as to why they can’t go out on a school night.
As a mum of three, my eldest being 14, had I known the teenage years would be so challenging, would I really had made the decision to have more?
I always imagined we’d be best friends. I imagined he wouldn’t change, he’d be perfect and just stay the sweet boy I raised.
Yep, quite gullible was I!
Do you notice that teenagers are not necessarily bad though, but with the raging hormones alongside the many influences, man they do not make raising them easy. If it’s not, ‘mum why have you got a tracker on my phone (the find me app), my friends parents don’t have that’ - then it’s ‘why can’t I eat in my room’ ‘ why can’t I go out with friends after school’ ‘why do I have to have a routine’
Oh my God, you would think we’re trying to suffocate them, something they’re probably convinced we’re doing.
Having patience in these moments is tough. Every single day you’re faced with a different challenge, and mainly from the teenager constantly questioning, trying to push back and negotiate.
Constantly going through this, it’s no wonder some parents give in or give up for the sake of a quiet life.
Thinking back to our own teenage lives, I suppose a lot of our motives in raising our teenager and putting restrictions in place, comes from a place of us remembering what we used to be like. We think about all the mischief we got into - bunking school, forging a signature, trying a cigarette. We pushed boundaries because we couldn’t wait to be an adult, not realising the responsibilities that came with this title.
And so we push with our teenagers, to try to protect them, not realising that actually, they have to go through these things. It is part of their natural development.
Recently my son came to me to discuss an incident his girlfriend was involved in, a topic that frustrates the hell out of me, but still, I try to be open. Throughout the conversation, I diverted things and asked if he was thinking about having sex. He told me no, which I expected, but I kept the flow going, asking about what he has and hasn’t tried, his fears, and how he approaches these situations.
I was grateful for his openness, of course occasionally throwing in that he should be focused on his education than females! But it was a conversation that I had to put my ego aside to ensure he felt seen and heard.
I recognise that as parents, it can be so easy for us to shut down conversations because of what we believe our kids should be focused on. But if we don’t put our ego aside and create a safe space where our teenagers feel they can talk to us, we leave them no choice but to talk to other teenagers or strangers, and risk them receiving even worse advice.
That same evening however, I found myself, once again, losing my patience with him for eating in his room. With having the room now smelling of BO from eating Kebab (does anyone else notice that for some reason Kebab leaves a room smelling like this) and with a home inspection coming up, it just annoyed me.
If you can relate, you see how It’s always something.
For many of us, dealing with these day-to-day unnecessary stresses becomes frustrating, annoying and you may even find yourself saying, like I have, ‘I don’t like you! I love you, but I don’t like you.’
Parenting a teenager is the real deal. It’s the part of parenting that until you get there, you have no idea what you’re in for. The best thing I’ve learned on this journey is say what you need, breathe, and move on.
I think remembering that it is just another stage on the parenting journey can also help. I’m not encouraging you to wish away the teenage years, but more taking each day as it comes, doing your best to letting their bullshit go, not taking what they do or say as a personal attack, and remembering that they too will soon be adults, and will have to figure this thing called life out on their own.
So hang in there my parents of teenagers. It might be a challenging 7 years of going through the teen phase, but it is nothing in comparison to adult life. And if you can brave through the storm, then just maybe, you might end up with a responsible, caring adult who can look back and thank you for not giving up on them.
Peace & Blessings,