What’s The Right Balance Between Being Firm and Being Gentle as A Parent?
Parent/Child Negotiations
“Parenting is a balance of setting boundaries and giving freedom. By being clear and consistent with our expectations, we help our children feel secure and confident” — Unknown
Have you ever walked away from a parenting moment wondering, Was I too harsh? Or too soft? That silent replay in your head? It’s universal — the guilt, the second-guessing, the hope that we’re not messing this up.
It can be a fine line trying to implement boundaries and discipline, especially in the midst of managing life’s daily challenges. Depending on your circumstances — whether you’re a single parent, a married solo parent, a guardian, or a carer — you’ve probably asked yourself ‘could I have been gentler? or could I have been firmer?’.
Either way, I believe all of us can agree that children need limits, discipline and boundaries. These are put in place to teach them but also for them to feel safe. These structures allow them to become well-rounded adults — so how can we enforce these without feeling inadequate in our responses?
Discipline vs Punishment
I’ve come to find that many parents, myself included, blur the lines between discipline and punishment. But what are the differences between the two? Well, I like to frame it as the difference between consequence and control.
We all know what a consequence is and find it easier to accept when these are made clear to us. We can find ways to be motivated when we are aware that if we break the rules, how we will be impacted. For example, lying may result in losing trust and a child being limited on what they can and can’t do, where a punishment in this scenario may look like a child being grounded for a week with no conversation.
It is also a lot easier to implement and communicate consequences when challenges arise because they’ve been put in place. Whereas punishments tend to be expressed in harsh and emotional ways, purely because we are trying to correct an unwanted behaviour through control — not realising we may be silencing or shaming our child instead of teaching them.
When to Hold the Line, When to Bend
Without realising it, this can lead to unwanted power struggles. Have you ever found yourself arguing with your child, both of you trying to make (what you think is) a valid point and only responding to be heard but no willingness to listen.
Learning to pick your battles is crucial in finding your balance between being firm and being gentle. When we fall into the habit of responding to every upset and demand our children put on us, it’s no wonder we blow things out of proportion. And although you may think completely ignoring them is a gentler approach, a child may interpret this as not feeling wanted or loved.
Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children
Firmness often comes from fear where gentleness comes from understanding. Knowing when to respond but doing so in a way which is calming and clear regulates your own emotions, which in turn allows you to have better balance.
Through modelling this assertiveness and compassion, our kids are also taught skills in self-regulation. After all, their actions do stem from what they see in the home.
Whilst some parents may try to adapt to the term ‘Gentle Parenting’, I think this term has misled parents to believe that they should be a push over, when in reality we all know any child that believes they can take the piss will do exactly that.
I’d therefore like to redefine the term Gentle Parenting as parents who act from a place of compassion, set boundaries and create a space of love, safety and respect.
If you’re thinking what firm and gentle might look like, and examples of a more balanced approach, here are some common scenarios:
Bedtime Battles (i.e. child refusing to go to bed)
Firm Approach: “It’s bedtime, No arguments”
Gentle Approach: “You can stay up longer if you want”
Balanced Approach: ‘You don’t feel tired? Let’s read a story in bed, and then it’s lights out”
Homework Refusal
Firm Approach: “I don’t care if you like it or not, it’s your responsibility and it needs to be done, NOW”
Gentle Approach: “Ok, you don’t have to do it”
Balanced Approach: “I understanding that homework is a pain, let’s break this up into 20minute intervals to make it more manageable”
Screen Time Limits
Firm Approach: “Turn off the phone, hand it in or no screen time tomorrow”
Gentle Approach: “Ok you can have an extra 5 minutes (for the fifth time)”
Balanced Approach: “I understand you want extra time, but do you remember why we put the limits in place? If these limits are too difficult, maybe we should look at making them shorter?”
In all of the above scenarios, we can see that we’ve got two ends of the scale in how we respond to challenges. However, with a balanced approach, although children may still resist, and insist for you to change your mind, making them feel heard whilst staying consistent in what you’ve agreed helps them to take disappointment more on the chin than lash out.
Balanced parenting isn’t soft, it’s strategic. It’s getting clear on what works through predictable consequences and always showing respect and understanding in our interactions.
The truth is that our kids don’t need perfect parents — they need present ones. And when we parent with intention, balancing firmness and gentleness, we raise not just obedient children, but resilient, respectful, and emotionally secure ones. That’s the real goal.
Peace & Blessings,