How to Create a Calm After-School Routine for Your Neurodivergent Child
Child calm afterschool
With evenings feeling like the second (or sometimes third) shift for parents, we never imagine that our kids feel like this too. After masking all day – or fully being themselves and being reprimanded – coming home on an empty tank with a list of expectations waiting, is not something any child looks forward to.
Let’s be honest, it’s a headache for us to think about getting in and having to cook, manage homework and bath time, and still have no time for the things we actually want to do.
Why Evenings Can Feel Like Too Much
For your child, they have spent their entire day following rules, finding ways to fit in, sitting still and trying to pay attention. By the time they get home, their brain is tired and their emotional battery is near to drained.
It’s no wonder when they get home, and you ask the simplest request, they snap immediately.
If we’re also feeling drained ourselves, it can be easy to slip into an unhealthy argument, leaving you both feeling upset, hurt and annoyed.
What looks like defiance or laziness is often simply overwhelm. When we snap as parents, it isn’t because we hate our children, we’re genuinely tired from the day we’ve had.
When a child is displaying delays and resistance, it is usually their nervous system saying ‘I can’t take another demand right now’ – they’re not deliberately trying to make life harder.
You are Not Failing
It’s easy to take how our children behave as something personal, when in reality, their school day has made them mentally and emotionally exhausted. Their snappy behaviour – which we may see as rude - is often a sign of overload.
By recognising and acknowledging that their response is rooted in overwhelm rather than disrespect, can soften the pressure we put on ourselves and find ways to support their overwhelm instead of adding to it.
In these moments, something as simple as pausing to take a breath and remembering that you’re doing your best with the systems you have in place is a powerful first step.
Practical Supports for Homework and Evenings
When creating a calm after-school routine, it’s far more effective to do this with your child rather than for them. Without knowing it, doing this supports in building and strengthening executive functions such as organising, planning and prioritising – life skills they’ll lean on as they grow.
Creating something together, that they can use, understand and have taken time to create can reduce conflict and help your child feel more in control of their evenings. Some simple steps include:
- Downtime first. Build in decompression time after school - this could look like rest, movement, play or quiet time - which helps to release pressure of the day before any demands.
- Chunk homework. When homework is broken into manageable chunks, it is easier for the brain to digest and accept what needs to be done. For example, 20-minute chunks, with 5-minute breaks.
- Use visual boards. A visual structure makes it easier for a child to see what they need to do now and what is coming next. Things feel predictable - knowing what is expected of them and what comes as a reward – reducing uncertainty.
- Communicate collaboratively. Instead of what can appear as nagging, check-in with your child. Gentle questions like ‘How’s it going’ or ‘Do you need help’ feels supportive rather than demanding.
These small steps allow for more focus and cooperation from your child and reduces meltdowns, feelings of overwhelm and power struggles.
Progress Over Perfection
There’s no one size fits all plan, and even when you have a routine in place, eventually you will find it’ll have to change. However, creating systems that support your child with how their brain is wired helps children feel capable and respected. They’re able to thrive knowing they feel heard, and those tiny wins add up to meaningful progress, strengthening and supporting their executive functions.
Remember, you and your child are on the same team, and you both deserve for things to feel like a partnership rather than a battleship.
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Peace & Blessings,